Let's Go For A Ride

Let me start by stating the obvious. I have failed you all. I started this blog intending to do at least 4 posts a week, and here I am doing my first post in a month. I'm sorry, I love you, blah blah blah.

Alright, so I have something to get off of my chest. I have minor road rage. I mean, I won't roll down my window and scream at you - mainly because I don't have power windows - but I sure as hell am saying terrible things about you/your mother that you can't hear. 

I wanted to discuss some of the common road mishaps that turn me into a swearing, vengeful, downright awful mofo. 

 1. 4-way stop - Here's what it means, in case you aren't aware.
Yeah, so, you remember that kid in elementary school? You know, that kid? He/she always had to be better, faster and cooler than you - just 'cause? Well, he grew up, bought a douchey pick-up truck and just met you at your nearest 4-way.
The 'rule' for a 4-way has changed a bit. 
New 'rule'? Whoever gets there and fakes a stop first is the 'winner' and can, therefore, noisily and obnoxiously gun it through the intersection before you - gloating and possibly even patting themselves on the back. 
People don't even stop at the stop line anymore if they see another car approaching. I mean, seriously. I know you think that it's important that you get to Gold's Gym for some bicep curls before going to work at the Ed Hardy store, but did that 5 seconds really count?! Didn't think so.

2. Braking/Turning

This one may just be me - but I highly doubt it.
I was under the impression that cars have brake lights/turning signals (blinkers) to warn surrounding traffic that they are going to be slowing down/turning - The key word hear being 'warning'. 
So, let's say I'm cruising down the street in my van, stereo is pumping the newest Glee CD, and I'm just lovin' life. Suddenly, the car in front of me puts on their brakes - I can tell because of those cute little lights on the back. What I don't know is why the hell they have them on. I go into panic mode. Is there an accident? Are they having a heart attack? Is there a dog/cat/bird/hamster/turtle on the road? Did they hit a pedestrian? 
I slow to crawl, hoping that there isn't some poor animal/small child in danger when all of a sudden - Turning signal comes on.
Oh.
You slowed down because you were turning.
You know what would be really nice? If you turned on your fucking blinker before you started slowing down. You know, to warn me that you'd be slowing down eventually because you're turning?
Lesson? Blinker first, then brakes. Kthxbai.

3. MERGE - OHMYGODMERGE.

 This funny little arrow is - apparently - the most confusing thing in the entire fucking world. I thought that maybe I could help out a little bit. Here is an explanation on the rules of merging. Oh, and here, and here, and here. Here's a freakin' video on how you do it. You'll notice that the only time they use the word STOP is when they mention that you shouldn't be doing it. This is not a yield - Learn your shit.
Oh, and don't think that it's just the people merging that are the problem. If you're the one whizzing down the hill without a care in the world, be aware of the people trying to merge - Don't be a douchebag. If you can change to the other lane, then do it. 

Oh man, I have many others, but this is where I'll stop for now. 
By the way? You're welcome. 

Of course he does.

Ranty rant rant rant

Alright, HOLD IT.

Let me just clarify the hype surrounding this Royal Wedding.

First of all, most people just like to complain about things - It's just how people are.
People like to put things down, hate things, or talk about how 'useless' things are. I guess this makes them feel better? I don't know exactly.

Anyway, the fact that the future King of England is getting married doesn't really affect the rest of the world. You could even say that it doesn't really do much for the UK, either. The Monarchy hasn't had a whole lot of 'power' in quite a few years, so it's really just a 'feel-good' thing. Why is that wrong? Do we have a lot of things going on right now that make people 'feel good'? Or anything in the last decade or so??
Let's see.




The Columbine High School Massacre - 1999
The September 11th Terrorist Attacks - 2001
SARS 'pandemic'  - 2002-2003
Hurricane Ivan - 2004
Hurricane Katrina - 2005
The Great Recession  - 2007-Current
H1N1 Flu Pandemic - 2009
Haiti Earthquake  - 2010
Japan Earthquake - 2011


I didn't even include all of the issues in Iraq - The war, the casualties, the horror. 


Amongst all of this negativity, why can't we be happy for something that our children will be learning about in school? They'll come up to us one day and say 
"Wow, you watched King William and Kate get married? You're, like, ancient!"


Why would you want to take that from them??

Grasping? Maybe.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

Between work, sleep and my family, I have had zero time for blogging - That makes me sad.
You know what makes me happy? GIFs. Every time.
There is something about these small, repetitive moving pictures that make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. 

An ELLEN PAGE gif is even better.

 I can't juggle - not for lack of trying. I'm just not that talented. I could watch Ellen Page do pretty much anything and be entertained... but juggling? Epic. 
Obviously I have nothing to actually write about (and I am sincerely sorry), but I am hoping to at least distract you from that fact with these silly, happy clips.

Oh my gosh, how silly and happy.

CUTE PANDAS - ON A SLIDE. How can that not make you happy?!
They're fluffy and cute and like to go down a slide. They're like dogs, but so much cooler - because, you know, they're from China.


I can understand the guys reading this blog and being all "Awesome... Ellen Page with clothes on and pandas. I'm super happy... This blog sucks."

You don't know me very well.

Nevermind

Check this shit out!

It reads: We would put this under your pillow but we're not the toothferry. So thanks for being such an enjoyable waitress. Keep it real and wonderful. (It was a TD Bank envelope with 4 dollars in it)

 So, ignore my last post - I'm totally rockin' this server business!

Sad Ice Cream Cone

Ugh. I hate doing rant posts!


Let's start at the beginning. My husband and I switched places.

This is so accurate that it is SCARY.

 So I'm the breadwinner now - which totally sounds cooler than it really is.
I'm a server at a restaurant. I really enjoy it - don't get me wrong - but my god. 
I'm horrible at it!
I swear that I just run around like a blue-arsed fly the whole shift. There are so many things to remember, and most of the people I work with are pretty seasoned... I'm like the new kid in high school - Not fun. Tonight was awful, seriously. It took everything I had not to just fall onto one of my tables and bawl like a baby.

I hate to blame my mistakes on anything (But I will anyway), but I had a pretty shitty morning after my pretty crappy sleep last night, and I worked from 5pm until almost 2am.
I'm tired.
I'm cranky.
I have to pee.
I'm going to bed.

I am a sad ice cream cone.

Homosexuality

So, I've noticed that there are still a ton of issues with Gay marriage going on right now, and I just want to be clear on my stance.

Some dudes marry dudes... GET OVER IT.
Some chicks marry chicks... GET OVER IT!
Gay or Str8, let's STOP THE H8!

Why is it that people can't see what we're doing by not allowing people to have RIGHTS. 

Hey remember when Inter-racial marriage was illegal? Yeah. How RUDE! How dare the government tell you who you can and can not love! Oh wait... That's what they're doing now!

In fact, let's not even look at the marriage aspect. Let's check out the fact that homosexuals are being denied a legal RIGHT.
Let's go back to the early 20th century and talk about women not having the right to vote. What is this?! Women not being allowed to vote? Women not having the RIGHT to say who they would like to have in office? Disgusting! ... But wait, isn't that what they're doing now - denying someone the right to marry the one they love?

Also, let them be parents. If a man and woman can't conceive, people band together and help them with the adoption process with love and support. Why can't we do that for our gay brother and his partner? What about our aunt and her lovely wife? Why can we deny them the right to raise a child? Here's some sad facts about how many people abort children worldwide. Why can we allow people to 'get rid of' children that they don't want, when we have tons of people willing -but unable- to have them?! It's mind-boggling. 

Get over your fears, people. Men marrying men, women marrying women - This should be the least of your troubles. 
Respect people, love people - We are all human, and we are ALL equal.

Christopher John Edward

Not for: Men/women that get squeamish at the thought of pregnancy/birthing or hipsters - 'Cause I don't like them.

So I have a story for you.

It was March 31st, 2008. I was very pregnant, and was in bed after celebrating my one year wedding anniversary. Somehow, I had managed to fall asleep - an amazing feat at that point in my pregnancy. 
Suddenly, my phone rings. 

You can't be serious.

 I roll over and check the time and the caller ID - It's my older brother, and it's midnight. Angry, pregnant, and tired, I answer the phone.
Me: "What."
Him: -silence- "Um, I just wanted to say Happy Anniversary!"
Me: "Thanks."
Him: "Okay... well... I love you!"
Me: "Bye."
I hang up the phone, and roll back over in bed.

Oh, and then I pee myself.
Seriously.


I get out of bed, go to the bathroom, change my underwear, and go back.
This happened about once an hour.
Until 7 am.
Now I'm really upset. I'm so pregnant that I can't even control my bladder - How pathetic. I need a diaper. What a loser.
Then it hit me - It was my water breaking.

Now excited, I called my Mother-in-law to tell her that my water had broken. Here's a break down of this phone call.
Me: "Hi, Mom! So, I just wanted you to know that my water broke!"
Mom: "... Shut up. That's not funny."
Me: "Oh... okay.... Well, we'll keep you posted... if you'd like..."
Mom: "You're a bitch." -click-
I almost died. 
I burst into tears, and my husband runs into the bathroom in a panic. I explained that his Mom was really rude, and that she just didn't seem excited about this baby anymore.
He held me until I stopped crying and we decided to just ignore it and focus on the important thing - the upcoming labour.


My husband calls his assistant manager (He was the manager of a store, at this point) and tells him that he would need to cover his shift for the day.
His response?
"Yeah, right."

What the hell!?

We can't figure out why no one is excited about this?!
Chris starts getting upset, and asking why he would think this is a joke.


Oh, right. It's April Fool's Day.
We're dumbasses.

Anyway, points are:
1) Thanks, Mike! I appreciate the phone call to help things along!
2) CJ was born about 30 hours later, at 6:07am on April 2nd.

Happy birthday, kiddo!

Happy 3rd Birthday, CJ! 
Mommy loves you!
 

One more thing....

I feel the need to fix something here.

One of the other amazing things that my husband did was to not only decide to leave his 'glamorous' bachelor life and become a husband, but he also became a father - Right away.

How could you NOT want to be in this child's life?!

I had a 2 year old son, Owen, when my husband and I became a couple, and he had no problem with it. In fact, he embraced it! He understood that Owen's dad was still in his life - that he wasn't replacing his father - but that he would be a father figure. 

He has been a huge part of my son's life, and has taught him to be strong, kind and awesome.

He prefers to be called "Luke Skywalker"

 

Mushy, mushy, love love love...

When I get to the grocery store, one of the first things I do is get my list out of my pocket. I am always forgetting something, so I leave it around the house and add to it when I discover new things that need to be replaced/refilled.
So, here I am, ready to shop, and I pull it out of my pocket and read it through.

Subtle

This is what I have to deal with on a regular basis - I married a comedian. 
To be fair, I absolutely knew what I was getting into. His crazy sense of humour was one of the many things that drew me in.  He was absolutely insane. He would have me in tears from laughing so hard! Granted, he also had me groaning at times (Groaning, not moaning. That'll show up here later). We still laugh a lot, and his jokes can still be pretty terrible, but I wouldn't change it for anything!


Another thing that intrigued me when we met was his taste in music. Unlike my ex that was into 'pop/punk' and 'rock' (Linkin Park and Bowling for Soup), this guy was into bands that my father listened to - The Eagles, Pink Floyd, The Doors, The Beatles, etc. I was floored. Being fairly young (18), I just assumed that my Dad's music sucked and never bothered to listen to it. This new man showed me that music could really mean something! Of course, I fell in love with Pink Floyd. Oh, here's the first birthday present I ever gave him. 

BOOM, I'm awesome

He totally dug it, but seriously, who wouldn't? I am now proud to admit my love of classic rock, and even rock out at Tunes and Trivia night! (Um, with his help, of course)

Anyway, we fell madly in love - How could we not? We got married so quickly that most of our wedding gifts were baby sleepers. 
No, I was not pregnant, thank you.
I did get pregnant though.

LOUD NOISES

Aaaaand again.

Much better

Did I mention that we managed do this in only 25 months? Yeah, I know. I get tired just thinking about it.
The reason that I'm thinking about it is because exactly 4 years ago at this time, I was trying absolutely everything I could to fall asleep because I was getting married the next day!


Basically, my point is... Happy 4th Anniversary, Christopher!
I love you so much, and can't wait for the many anniversaries that we will share together!
Unless you leave me.
Because I posted this.

I'll start packing up my things

KTQ

I quit smoking at 12:45 am on December 31st, 2010. 

Now, if you think this post is going to be about how awesome I am, and how lame you are - You're wrong. (Just to clarify, I am awesome)


I smoked off and on for 12 years, but fairly steadily the last 10. I loved smoking. Honestly, I adored it. It was my favorite thing to do. 
Have you ever made plans, and they fell through? Sucks - but hey! You have cigarettes! They didn't cancel on you because they want to have crazy monkey sex with their new boyfriend! 

haha, I didn't actually think I could find something like this!

When you and your significant other have a fight, and you just need someone to talk to, someone that can calm you down, but all of your friends are out at the disco - Who do you have?? Cigarettes. 

I seriously didn't think that could ever let go. It wasn't just an addiction... I was going to lose my best friend. 
I know how crazy that sounds, it's okay.
I would wake up, and have a smoke. 
Make the kids breakfast, and while they were eating, I'd have a smoke. 
Drive my oldest to school, and on the way home, smoke in the van.
Get home, do some house work (Or dick around on the computer), and realize that it's been an hour or so. Have another smoke.
Make lunch for the kids, once they were happy and eating, have a smoke. 
Have a couple of smokes before picking up oldest from school because I have to be there half an hour early and I can't smoke on school property.
Get home from picking him up, and have another smoke.
Do a load of dishes, and 'wait for those to dry' on the drying rack while I had a smoke.
Get hungry, have a smoke.
Get thirsty, have a smoke.
Have a coughing fit, have a smoke.
Ugh.


It got to the point that I started to hate how much I depended on it. I couldn't stand leaving in the middle of dinner at a nice restaurant because I needed a cigarette. I hated driving anywhere because I would light up a smoke at every red light, and would run out of smokes faster because of it. I would get so frustrated if I woke up in the middle of the night, because I knew that 'only a cigarette' would be able to get me back to sleep.
It wasn't a friend anymore- it was my worst enemy. I had to stop!

No cigarettes were harmed in the making of this blog post

Every time I tried to quit, I would go into panic mode. What would I do when I was driving? What would I do when I was reading a book? What if I can't sleep? What if I can't stop eating? What if I started jogging and being all healthy?! Noooo!
I was driving home, having a smoke, at 12:45am on December 31st, and thought... let's just do it now! - Which is something I had done many a time. This time it was different. 
I didn't start sweating. I didn't laugh nervously, say "Psyche!" and light up a new smoke.
It was just the right time. 


It was hard. I was forgetful. I would enter a room and think, "Wait... I was supposed to do something..." It would take a few minutes of walking from room to room before I would realize that I hadn't gone outside in hours. I was forgetting to smoke. 
I also used this website, mainly for the 'Q-Gadget' that tells you how much money you've saved (I'm almost at $400!), how many cigarettes you haven't smoked, and how long you've been quit. It's nice to see those numbers - at least it was for me! Also, there are a lot of positive people in the chats that are willing to support you!

Support is the most important. Those people that think they are supporting you by saying "Well, I don't actually think you'll do it... but if you do, I'm really proud!" need to stay away. You can't have back-handed comments like that. It is incredibly damaging! That's not support! Remember, you aren't quitting for them, you're quitting for you. If you don't have a lot of support, I recommend keeping it to yourself - especially for the first 2 weeks, as they are the hardest.


Okay, I'm tired and severely grumpy, so I'm going to have to cut this short. 
If anyone out there needs support to quit smoking, please don't hesitate to message me (Either here, FB or Twitter) and I'll be there for you!!






TL;DR - Quitting is hard, it sucks, but you can do it - and I love you.

Oh, no you didn't!

I have a ton of pregnant friends right now (So excited for you!) and I thought that this would be fun for them to read. 
 Please note, I have posted this before (On FB) so you may experience deja vu. 

After three pregnancies, I began to notice a pattern - People don't know how to talk to pregnant women. Period. Here's some examples of what not to do/ask/say.


1. Don't tell us how big we're getting. We dress ourselves everyday. We have doctor's appointments every month where we weigh ourselves. We're aware that our bodies are no longer slim. When we hear 'big', we don't think of our bellies. We think of our butts. This is not a compliment. Not only this.. Of course we're getting bigger! That's what happens in pregnancy. That's like me pointing at your face and showing off your wrinkles. It's life.

2. Please ask before you rub a pregnant belly. I know it's 'cute' and 'rubable'... but that's like me walking up to a stranger and rubbing their ass. Can I just say "Oh I just love cute butts!" like you say you looove cute pregnant bellies?? Just ask permission, and I'm sure we'll allow it.

This girl probably won't mind

3. -sigh- This is another one that really irks me. I got pregnant 5 months after my second child was born (this was not planned, but still very much wanted). This situation caused me to have the same question asked over and over and over.. "You're pregnant... again?"
No, actually, this is just leftover from the last one. 
Were you dropped?
Yes, I'm pregnant again. That's how it works. You get pregnant, you have the baby and stop being pregnant, which means your body is now ready to be pregnant - again. If we're having too many kids for your liking, then we're sorry... but these stupid questions are really starting to piss us off.

4. If we're standing in line to pay for my groceries, and make a groaning sound, or possibly an "ooch!", we're not trying to get attention, nor are we going into labor (generally). How many times have I had a foot in the ribs, and made a sound about it just to hear the person beside me say "Oh god, please don't have your baby here!"
Is this supposed to be a joke? Is that funny? What if we are? We're now obviously going to have to fend for ourselves because the people around us are apparently deathly afraid of labor. How about I kick you in the ribs and see if you can deal with it silently?

Yeah, it really hurts.

5. We don't care if I'm carrying high, low, in the front or in the back.. Don't tell us what we're having. You're probably wrong. These old wives tales have been driving me nuts since my first pregnancy. Mine have all been completely different, so don't tell me that because my hair has more shine that it's a girl.. Or that because I'm carrying low that it's a boy. This is not scientific fact. There is no proof.
That's like me saying that you're sure to either be in radio or unemployed because you're ugly. It happens, but it's not a proven fact.

6. Back to the stupid questions... Anyone who has more than 2 kids has probably heard this one too many times for their liking..
"Don't you know what causes that yet?/Don't you know how to stop that from happening?"
Again, do you think we're stupid? Or, better yet, do you think you're funny? That's the oldest joke in the world! Get something fresh, please! Dear lord!

I'm sure there are more, but unfortunately I can't think of them (or I have tried to push them from my mind). So please, think before you speak. I know it may be hard sometimes, but you'll be pretty embarrassed when you have to tell your friends where you got that fat lip from.

The A-Team

No, not that 'A-Team'; That is just the euphemism that I'm going to use for Autism from now on. 

Yes, it came up in speech therapy today that my son may be on the A-Team. A very mild case, but it was still brought up. This was just our first visit, so we'll have to see.
How did that make me feel? I can't describe it. I went into this meeting thinking that it would be said. I've even said it myself. For some reason, it's very different when it comes from someone with a Masters degree in that sort of thing. 

I cried - on the outside. On the inside? I screamed, cursed and asked "why?". I wanted to pick up my kids and run out the door, down the street... Just run away. 

Now we just work on his speech at home, and see the therapist in a few weeks again. This is the start of a very scary journey. 

Silence isn't Golden

So, it's been a rough few days. I haven't been sleeping well because of an infection in my gums. Yeah, wisdom teeth - a dental surgeon's favorite thing in the whole wide world. Those little bastards make them SO much money, it's absurd. 
I literally cried when my dentist was checking it out today - Not even kidding. Tears. I just wanted her to tear it out.

Remember? I'm pretty much an expert now, right?

Anyway, the other issue is that 2 of my kids have a meeting with a speech therapist on Monday. My kids are far too old to not be talking, and I've decided it's time to talk to a professional. I have to be honest - I am absolutely terrified. There is nothing scarier (Or at least so far, for me) than thinking that there may be something wrong with your kids. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my kids. If they get sick, or have some sort of mental/physical disability, I would never love them less. It's not about loving them, it's about knowing how hard their life and your life will be. 
Don't lie, seriously. I know you'll worry about your kids, but it's human nature to be slightly egocentric and think of yourself. How would my life change? What hurdles will I have to jump now?
It's normal to feel that way to an extent, I think - I hope? I don't know. I want my kids to be 'normal' and 'healthy', for their own sake. Life is hard enough without the need for constant medical care, care aids or anything of the sort. 
I know most people love to talk about how great and 'normal' their kids are, but I really wanted to share my fears with you. I'm not perfect. I'm not an expert in parenting. My children can't even talk, for cripe's sake. Please don't ever feel like I'm writing any of this because I know more/am better than you. I'm just like every other Mom with fears, doubts and worries. 
The only advice that I can give out of this is to swallow your pride. If you suspect your child is not developing properly, do something about it. Talk to someone - Your doctor, friends, parents, spouse, etc. Don't hold back your child even more just because you feel embarrassed. It's not your fault if your child is delayed. Chances are pretty good that it's just that, a delay. Eventually, they'll get to where they need to be. 

The only thing that I may regret?
Why the hell am I working so hard to get 2 of my kids to start talking when I can't figure out how to make the other one shut up??

Hummus? More like YUMMUS!

Hello internet!


Sorry it's been a while since I've put up a new post. Between school, sickness, looking for work and taking care of my family, I've let it slide!
I promise you I'm working on a new one! So, I'll just write up a little recipe here to keep you busy!




Hummus (Chickpea)

1 can chickpeas
1 garlic clove (Or, if you love garlic like me, use 2!), finely chopped
About 2 tbsp Olive oil
Lemon juice
Salt and pepper to taste


Now, just so you know, this will NOT taste like any type of hummus that you'll buy at a store. One of the main ingredients in hummus is tahini, and I don't like it, but you may use some if you'd like (Add 2 tbsp)


Heat chickpeas in a pot until warm, keeping all the liquid.
Using a food processor (or, like me, a Magic Bullet!), throw in the chickpeas (Minus the liquid) and garlic and a DASH of lemon juice. Now this dish is totally personal. From now on, I recommend adding an ingredient, and then tasting it. Add salt and pepper to taste. Add olive oil and mix until creamy. If it's not creamy enough, add a little more oil and another dash of lemon juice. Too much lemon juice is NOT good. You want the lemon to enhance the taste, not overpower it!


When it's done, just throw it in a bowl and use tortilla chips or pita chips to dip! You can also use it as a dip for veggies (YUM!), or a spread on a sandwich! Enjoy!!

Can't Buy Me Love

Start at about 1:15

I really wanted to be proposed to like this. I mean, I'm not totally unhappy that I wasn't... but I am incredibly jealous.
My husband tried to propose to me at a Tragically Hip concert (Note: I absolutely hate The Tragically Hip), but they wouldn't let him. He ended up doing it in front of the ocean in our 'hometown' in a foot of snow, three days before our wedding. It was pretty cute.


For some reason, I have always wanted two things - A public proposal, and someone to sing me a song in front of a crowd (a romantic one, not just anything). I wanted grandeur - Something extreme!


While I never got my public proposal, I did get my song. My husband sang that super cute song that Adam Sandler sang Drew Barrymore on "The Wedding Singer". You know... this one?

Yeah, and I mean he played it on the guitar and sang it for me. He even changed it to "Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink" to "put me to bed when I've had too much to drink" because he was a bit of a party guy back then. Seriously, I just re-watched this clip, and got chills and started tearing up. It was wonderful.


I think I always wanted something big because I thought that it would prove how much he loved me. I thought that to shamelessly make a huge scene in public that it meant he truly cared. Same with the wedding. Big wedding, big dress, big cake, big hall.... blah blah blah.
I got an inexpensive (I can't say how much haha) dress, a small 'room' to have the service in, and had about 15 people there - and it was perfect.
Don't get me wrong, even as I was about to walk down the aisle, I felt like it wasn't as 'fantastic' as I had always dreamed, but I knew I was happy... And the moment I walked into that room, and saw my VERY soon-to-be husband as nervous (but excited!) as I was, I knew that this was perfect. Nothing in the world could have made it any better.


I think that people put too much emphasis on their 'perfect day'. One thing can go wrong, and they think that everything is ruined! I'll tell what would ruin your wedding day - The bride/groom (Whichever is the opposite of the person reading this!) not showing up. Yeah, that is something to freak out about. 

You know what else would really suck? This.
Yeah, do you notice that they're okay? They didn't die. Their marriage isn't over. They didn't melt or burst into flames, etc. All that matters is that at the end of the day, you're with the one you love! I know it may not be easy, but try to stay calm. You'll regret being a total cow on your wedding day because the white tiger that was supposed to walk down the aisle with the flower girl on its back proceeded to maul your wedding cake to bits. Keep it simple, remember that this is about love, not money or flowers. 

I love you, hunny! Happy 4th Anniversary!

Please Do Not Open Until 2004

Dear 16 year old self,

First things first, I know you don't think school is super important, but it is. I'm busting my ass taking care of kids, a husband and a house and trying to redo courses that you are failing as you read this. Smarten up, dammit! I know Math is hard, but seriously, get some help. You need at least a 65% - that's all I'll tell you.
Also, don't drop Biology, please. I'm also doing that right now, and it would be awesome if I didn't have to. Stop skipping class. I know Mr. Barnett can be boring sometimes, but he knows his stuff. Ask him for help! Kris and Richard are your friends and they can help too!! ASK.


Secondly, stop treating Mom with such disrespect. She cries about you far too often. She loves you very much, and is proud of you - even though you don't think so. She has a very special present to give you in a few years, and you'll love it. She knows how wonderful you are, and she's only sad that you aren't working to your full potential!

Oh, and shut the hell up. You are not fat. I know that you think you are, but trust me... I would kill to have that body back! Ugh. I know you aren't as skinny as Erin or Stacey, but that doesn't matter. You don't have to be! (Oh, also, you're a JERK, but Stacey will love you eventually.)

Thanks, and I hope you take this seriously!

Love,
You


P.S. When you skip Socials, don't tell your teacher it's because you have to 'go to the hospital'. It just so happens that your Mother is going to call the school and will get that information and proceed to absolutely lose her shit. After she finds out that you're fine, you'll be in so much trouble that it isn't even funny. 
Also, get your mark up. Socials isn't hard, you're just lazy! GOD.