May contain swears, slang, dark humour, graphic pictures, nudity, sexual references, drug references, and anything else that can be considered offensive.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Let's Go For A Ride

Let me start by stating the obvious. I have failed you all. I started this blog intending to do at least 4 posts a week, and here I am doing my first post in a month. I'm sorry, I love you, blah blah blah.

Alright, so I have something to get off of my chest. I have minor road rage. I mean, I won't roll down my window and scream at you - mainly because I don't have power windows - but I sure as hell am saying terrible things about you/your mother that you can't hear. 

I wanted to discuss some of the common road mishaps that turn me into a swearing, vengeful, downright awful mofo. 

 1. 4-way stop - Here's what it means, in case you aren't aware.
Yeah, so, you remember that kid in elementary school? You know, that kid? He/she always had to be better, faster and cooler than you - just 'cause? Well, he grew up, bought a douchey pick-up truck and just met you at your nearest 4-way.
The 'rule' for a 4-way has changed a bit. 
New 'rule'? Whoever gets there and fakes a stop first is the 'winner' and can, therefore, noisily and obnoxiously gun it through the intersection before you - gloating and possibly even patting themselves on the back. 
People don't even stop at the stop line anymore if they see another car approaching. I mean, seriously. I know you think that it's important that you get to Gold's Gym for some bicep curls before going to work at the Ed Hardy store, but did that 5 seconds really count?! Didn't think so.

2. Braking/Turning
This one may just be me - but I highly doubt it.
I was under the impression that cars have brake lights/turning signals (blinkers) to warn surrounding traffic that they are going to be slowing down/turning - The key word hear being 'warning'. 
So, let's say I'm cruising down the street in my van, stereo is pumping the newest Glee CD, and I'm just lovin' life. Suddenly, the car in front of me puts on their brakes - I can tell because of those cute little lights on the back. What I don't know is why the hell they have them on. I go into panic mode. Is there an accident? Are they having a heart attack? Is there a dog/cat/bird/hamster/turtle on the road? Did they hit a pedestrian? 
I slow to crawl, hoping that there isn't some poor animal/small child in danger when all of a sudden - Turning signal comes on.
You slowed down because you were turning.
You know what would be really nice? If you turned on your fucking blinker before you started slowing down. You know, to warn me that you'd be slowing down eventually because you're turning?
Lesson? Blinker first, then brakes. Kthxbai.

 This funny little arrow is - apparently - the most confusing thing in the entire fucking world. I thought that maybe I could help out a little bit. Here is an explanation on the rules of merging. Oh, and here, and here, and here. Here's a freakin' video on how you do it. You'll notice that the only time they use the word STOP is when they mention that you shouldn't be doing it. This is not a yield - Learn your shit.
Oh, and don't think that it's just the people merging that are the problem. If you're the one whizzing down the hill without a care in the world, be aware of the people trying to merge - Don't be a douchebag. If you can change to the other lane, then do it. 

Oh man, I have many others, but this is where I'll stop for now. 
By the way? You're welcome. 
Of course he does.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Ranty rant rant rant

Alright, HOLD IT.

Let me just clarify the hype surrounding this Royal Wedding.

First of all, most people just like to complain about things - It's just how people are.
People like to put things down, hate things, or talk about how 'useless' things are. I guess this makes them feel better? I don't know exactly.

Anyway, the fact that the future King of England is getting married doesn't really affect the rest of the world. You could even say that it doesn't really do much for the UK, either. The Monarchy hasn't had a whole lot of 'power' in quite a few years, so it's really just a 'feel-good' thing. Why is that wrong? Do we have a lot of things going on right now that make people 'feel good'? Or anything in the last decade or so??
Let's see.

The Columbine High School Massacre - 1999
The September 11th Terrorist Attacks - 2001

SARS 'pandemic'  - 2002-2003
Hurricane Ivan - 2004
Hurricane Katrina - 2005
The Great Recession  - 2007-Current
H1N1 Flu Pandemic - 2009
Haiti Earthquake  - 2010
Japan Earthquake - 2011

I didn't even include all of the issues in Iraq - The war, the casualties, the horror. 

Amongst all of this negativity, why can't we be happy for something that our children will be learning about in school? They'll come up to us one day and say 
"Wow, you watched King William and Kate get married? You're, like, ancient!"

Why would you want to take that from them??

Friday, April 29, 2011

Grasping? Maybe.


I'm sorry.

Between work, sleep and my family, I have had zero time for blogging - That makes me sad.
You know what makes me happy? GIFs. Every time.
There is something about these small, repetitive moving pictures that make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. 

An ELLEN PAGE gif is even better.

 I can't juggle - not for lack of trying. I'm just not that talented. I could watch Ellen Page do pretty much anything and be entertained... but juggling? Epic. 
Obviously I have nothing to actually write about (and I am sincerely sorry), but I am hoping to at least distract you from that fact with these silly, happy clips.

Oh my gosh, how silly and happy.

CUTE PANDAS - ON A SLIDE. How can that not make you happy?!
They're fluffy and cute and like to go down a slide. They're like dogs, but so much cooler - because, you know, they're from China.

I can understand the guys reading this blog and being all "Awesome... Ellen Page with clothes on and pandas. I'm super happy... This blog sucks."

You don't know me very well.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


Check this shit out!

It reads: We would put this under your pillow but we're not the toothferry. So thanks for being such an enjoyable waitress. Keep it real and wonderful. (It was a TD Bank envelope with 4 dollars in it)

 So, ignore my last post - I'm totally rockin' this server business!