May contain swears, slang, dark humour, graphic pictures, nudity, sexual references, drug references, and anything else that can be considered offensive.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Ranty rant rant rant

Alright, HOLD IT.

Let me just clarify the hype surrounding this Royal Wedding.

First of all, most people just like to complain about things - It's just how people are.
People like to put things down, hate things, or talk about how 'useless' things are. I guess this makes them feel better? I don't know exactly.

Anyway, the fact that the future King of England is getting married doesn't really affect the rest of the world. You could even say that it doesn't really do much for the UK, either. The Monarchy hasn't had a whole lot of 'power' in quite a few years, so it's really just a 'feel-good' thing. Why is that wrong? Do we have a lot of things going on right now that make people 'feel good'? Or anything in the last decade or so??
Let's see.

The Columbine High School Massacre - 1999
The September 11th Terrorist Attacks - 2001

SARS 'pandemic'  - 2002-2003
Hurricane Ivan - 2004
Hurricane Katrina - 2005
The Great Recession  - 2007-Current
H1N1 Flu Pandemic - 2009
Haiti Earthquake  - 2010
Japan Earthquake - 2011

I didn't even include all of the issues in Iraq - The war, the casualties, the horror. 

Amongst all of this negativity, why can't we be happy for something that our children will be learning about in school? They'll come up to us one day and say 
"Wow, you watched King William and Kate get married? You're, like, ancient!"

Why would you want to take that from them??

Friday, April 29, 2011

Grasping? Maybe.


I'm sorry.

Between work, sleep and my family, I have had zero time for blogging - That makes me sad.
You know what makes me happy? GIFs. Every time.
There is something about these small, repetitive moving pictures that make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. 

An ELLEN PAGE gif is even better.

 I can't juggle - not for lack of trying. I'm just not that talented. I could watch Ellen Page do pretty much anything and be entertained... but juggling? Epic. 
Obviously I have nothing to actually write about (and I am sincerely sorry), but I am hoping to at least distract you from that fact with these silly, happy clips.

Oh my gosh, how silly and happy.

CUTE PANDAS - ON A SLIDE. How can that not make you happy?!
They're fluffy and cute and like to go down a slide. They're like dogs, but so much cooler - because, you know, they're from China.

I can understand the guys reading this blog and being all "Awesome... Ellen Page with clothes on and pandas. I'm super happy... This blog sucks."

You don't know me very well.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


Check this shit out!

It reads: We would put this under your pillow but we're not the toothferry. So thanks for being such an enjoyable waitress. Keep it real and wonderful. (It was a TD Bank envelope with 4 dollars in it)

 So, ignore my last post - I'm totally rockin' this server business!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Sad Ice Cream Cone

Ugh. I hate doing rant posts!

Let's start at the beginning. My husband and I switched places.

This is so accurate that it is SCARY.
 So I'm the breadwinner now - which totally sounds cooler than it really is.
I'm a server at a restaurant. I really enjoy it - don't get me wrong - but my god. 
I'm horrible at it!
I swear that I just run around like a blue-arsed fly the whole shift. There are so many things to remember, and most of the people I work with are pretty seasoned... I'm like the new kid in high school - Not fun. Tonight was awful, seriously. It took everything I had not to just fall onto one of my tables and bawl like a baby.

I hate to blame my mistakes on anything (But I will anyway), but I had a pretty shitty morning after my pretty crappy sleep last night, and I worked from 5pm until almost 2am.
I'm tired.
I'm cranky.
I have to pee.
I'm going to bed.

I am a sad ice cream cone.

Monday, April 4, 2011


So, I've noticed that there are still a ton of issues with Gay marriage going on right now, and I just want to be clear on my stance.

Some dudes marry dudes... GET OVER IT.
Some chicks marry chicks... GET OVER IT!
Gay or Str8, let's STOP THE H8!

Why is it that people can't see what we're doing by not allowing people to have RIGHTS. 

Hey remember when Inter-racial marriage was illegal? Yeah. How RUDE! How dare the government tell you who you can and can not love! Oh wait... That's what they're doing now!

In fact, let's not even look at the marriage aspect. Let's check out the fact that homosexuals are being denied a legal RIGHT.
Let's go back to the early 20th century and talk about women not having the right to vote. What is this?! Women not being allowed to vote? Women not having the RIGHT to say who they would like to have in office? Disgusting! ... But wait, isn't that what they're doing now - denying someone the right to marry the one they love?

Also, let them be parents. If a man and woman can't conceive, people band together and help them with the adoption process with love and support. Why can't we do that for our gay brother and his partner? What about our aunt and her lovely wife? Why can we deny them the right to raise a child? Here's some sad facts about how many people abort children worldwide. Why can we allow people to 'get rid of' children that they don't want, when we have tons of people willing -but unable- to have them?! It's mind-boggling. 

Get over your fears, people. Men marrying men, women marrying women - This should be the least of your troubles. 
Respect people, love people - We are all human, and we are ALL equal.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Christopher John Edward

Not for: Men/women that get squeamish at the thought of pregnancy/birthing or hipsters - 'Cause I don't like them.

So I have a story for you.

It was March 31st, 2008. I was very pregnant, and was in bed after celebrating my one year wedding anniversary. Somehow, I had managed to fall asleep - an amazing feat at that point in my pregnancy. 
Suddenly, my phone rings. 

You can't be serious.
 I roll over and check the time and the caller ID - It's my older brother, and it's midnight. Angry, pregnant, and tired, I answer the phone.
Me: "What."
Him: -silence- "Um, I just wanted to say Happy Anniversary!"

Me: "Thanks."
Him: "Okay... well... I love you!"
Me: "Bye."

I hang up the phone, and roll back over in bed.

Oh, and then I pee myself.

I get out of bed, go to the bathroom, change my underwear, and go back.
This happened about once an hour.

Until 7 am.
Now I'm really upset. I'm so pregnant that I can't even control my bladder - How pathetic. I need a diaper. What a loser.
Then it hit me - It was my water breaking.

Now excited, I called my Mother-in-law to tell her that my water had broken. Here's a break down of this phone call.
Me: "Hi, Mom! So, I just wanted you to know that my water broke!"
Mom: "... Shut up. That's not funny."
Me: "Oh... okay.... Well, we'll keep you posted... if you'd like..."
Mom: "You're a bitch." -click-

I almost died. 
I burst into tears, and my husband runs into the bathroom in a panic. I explained that his Mom was really rude, and that she just didn't seem excited about this baby anymore.
He held me until I stopped crying and we decided to just ignore it and focus on the important thing - the upcoming labour.

My husband calls his assistant manager (He was the manager of a store, at this point) and tells him that he would need to cover his shift for the day.
His response?
"Yeah, right."

What the hell!?

We can't figure out why no one is excited about this?!
Chris starts getting upset, and asking why he would think this is a joke.

Oh, right. It's April Fool's Day.
We're dumbasses.

Anyway, points are:
1) Thanks, Mike! I appreciate the phone call to help things along!
2) CJ was born about 30 hours later, at 6:07am on April 2nd.

Happy birthday, kiddo!

Happy 3rd Birthday, CJ! 
Mommy loves you!