May contain swears, slang, dark humour, graphic pictures, nudity, sexual references, drug references, and anything else that can be considered offensive.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Let's Go For A Ride

Let me start by stating the obvious. I have failed you all. I started this blog intending to do at least 4 posts a week, and here I am doing my first post in a month. I'm sorry, I love you, blah blah blah.

Alright, so I have something to get off of my chest. I have minor road rage. I mean, I won't roll down my window and scream at you - mainly because I don't have power windows - but I sure as hell am saying terrible things about you/your mother that you can't hear. 

I wanted to discuss some of the common road mishaps that turn me into a swearing, vengeful, downright awful mofo. 

 1. 4-way stop - Here's what it means, in case you aren't aware.
Yeah, so, you remember that kid in elementary school? You know, that kid? He/she always had to be better, faster and cooler than you - just 'cause? Well, he grew up, bought a douchey pick-up truck and just met you at your nearest 4-way.
The 'rule' for a 4-way has changed a bit. 
New 'rule'? Whoever gets there and fakes a stop first is the 'winner' and can, therefore, noisily and obnoxiously gun it through the intersection before you - gloating and possibly even patting themselves on the back. 
People don't even stop at the stop line anymore if they see another car approaching. I mean, seriously. I know you think that it's important that you get to Gold's Gym for some bicep curls before going to work at the Ed Hardy store, but did that 5 seconds really count?! Didn't think so.

2. Braking/Turning
This one may just be me - but I highly doubt it.
I was under the impression that cars have brake lights/turning signals (blinkers) to warn surrounding traffic that they are going to be slowing down/turning - The key word hear being 'warning'. 
So, let's say I'm cruising down the street in my van, stereo is pumping the newest Glee CD, and I'm just lovin' life. Suddenly, the car in front of me puts on their brakes - I can tell because of those cute little lights on the back. What I don't know is why the hell they have them on. I go into panic mode. Is there an accident? Are they having a heart attack? Is there a dog/cat/bird/hamster/turtle on the road? Did they hit a pedestrian? 
I slow to crawl, hoping that there isn't some poor animal/small child in danger when all of a sudden - Turning signal comes on.
You slowed down because you were turning.
You know what would be really nice? If you turned on your fucking blinker before you started slowing down. You know, to warn me that you'd be slowing down eventually because you're turning?
Lesson? Blinker first, then brakes. Kthxbai.

 This funny little arrow is - apparently - the most confusing thing in the entire fucking world. I thought that maybe I could help out a little bit. Here is an explanation on the rules of merging. Oh, and here, and here, and here. Here's a freakin' video on how you do it. You'll notice that the only time they use the word STOP is when they mention that you shouldn't be doing it. This is not a yield - Learn your shit.
Oh, and don't think that it's just the people merging that are the problem. If you're the one whizzing down the hill without a care in the world, be aware of the people trying to merge - Don't be a douchebag. If you can change to the other lane, then do it. 

Oh man, I have many others, but this is where I'll stop for now. 
By the way? You're welcome. 
Of course he does.


  1. The merge sign with an arrow has a double meaning. It means the roadway with the THIN line has to YIELD to those who are in the roadway with the THICK line, so, those who are on the 'main' road have the right of way.
    Don't even get me started on the use of rotaries, again, blinkers, braking, YIELDING. Did I say YIELDING? Ugh!!! I know you were just going 65mph on the highway, but seriously, you had two speed limit changes on the off ramp and three yield signs. Do they need to start installing spikes at 4-way stops that only go away if your vehicle stops completely for 5 seconds? I think that's a great ideaR and I'm going to patent it.... sorry Laura! :P

  2. This was so awesome! I feel bad it took me this long to read it.. please post more!!!! Please?