May contain swears, slang, dark humour, graphic pictures, nudity, sexual references, drug references, and anything else that can be considered offensive.

Thursday, February 24, 2011


I mentioned before that I work at the local arena that hosts the concerts in town. I have a letter for the patrons. *ahem*

Dear patrons,

If you have floor tickets, then you sit in the floor area. When you LEAVE the floor area, please take your ticket with you - I WILL be asking you for it again.
No, I haven't forgotten you - You tripped over my shoe and gave me a big drunk hug with a very loud "sorry" that you attempted to whisper into my ear.

The reason I'm asking to see your ticket is so that I know you haven't gone and given it to someone that only paid for stand tickets and is too cheap to get floor seats so that you can both be on the floor. I'm not stupid.
These excuses are wearing thin:
"I know where my seat is." - GOOD FOR YOU! Most people don't, so I'm really happy for you. The thing is that I didn't ask you if you knew where your seat was. I still need to see your ticket.

"I'm with _____" (Usually points at someone that just walked ahead) - I'm really proud that you managed to find someone that can tolerate you in your disgusting, drunken state! I still need to see your ticket.
"I left it with my husband; he's sitting right there." - I'm sorry, are we still in the 50s? Jesus, lady, put some big girl panties on! Carry your own ticket! 
"I don't have floor tickets... but I really like (Insert band/artist name here)!" Really? You really like them? Then why did you not pay the extra 15 or so dollars for floor tickets?! LIAR.



Oh, there's more.

Dear drunk patrons,

Here are the answers to your questions. I think that point form will work better in this situation.

- No, I don't work for the band/artist; I work for the building. I can't introduce you.
- No, I don't think you're cute; I think you're disgusting and you smell like stale beer.
- No, I am not carrying a concealed weapon; I'm not a cop.
- No, I do not have a stick up my ass; Sit down and shut up - You're annoying the people around you with your public drunkenness.
- No, my radio does not play music; It's for communicating to my coworkers.
- No, I don't have any pot; They took yours away for a reason.
- No, I don't want to meet up with you at Denny's after my shift to 'buy you a burger'; .... Wtf?
- Yes! I am married, and that is why I have this ring on. 
- Yes! I'm aware that there is music being played. You don't have to ask me if "I'm hearing this".
- Yes! I do get paid to do this. This is my job.

MOST sincerely,

1 comment:

  1. Do all the rules apply if I am said patron? Would you let me buy you a burger? (I get a discount ;) ?
    See you tonight, I scored a hot date with my free floor tickets. I'll make sure I give her hers to hold on to all by herself.